112809427874833899 Friday, Sep 30 2005

paiseh if any unforseen circumstances arise due to negligence on my part. hope it isn’t too late though..

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112809003251084904 Friday, Sep 30 2005

can someone please enlighten me on how to keep track of stuff. this week saw me spending dozens of hours (no kidding) looking for things that either i’ve misplaced or someone else has taken and i thought i’ve misplaced it. firstly it was the stupid parade state. then, it’s an optical mouse. after that, it’s a dvd i borrowed. all within a matter of one week.

and now! fucking hell i lost my adidas bag!!! ARGH!!!

it was my birthday present!! and it costed my aunt a fucking $60!!! wtf… and i’ve only used it for, what, four months! still damn damn brand new… and it’s my favourite bag of all!! oh man… and of all reasons why i lost it. yesterday i decided to go down to grab a bite from the coffeeshop downstairs. thinking that maybe the place will be crowded, i brought my bag along to “reserve” a seat if need be. and then.. i forgot to bring it back. goodness… of all reasons. thinking of going downstairs tomorrow to ask if anyone has seen it, but my fingers are crossed.

whatever the case, WHY THE FUCK AM I SO FORGETFUL?! ARGH. i’ve been constantly reminding myself that everytime i leave a place i have to make sure i have everything with me. and everytime i put something down from my hand, i jolly well make sure i remember where i put it. and such things still happen. what the fuck is wrong with me?

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112799318988999492 Thursday, Sep 29 2005

i just realised that… the day after the night where you didn’t sleep well is always a bad day. for my case, the most screwed up day in camp this yr was the day right after my night trapping. and it’s not always just because you’re fatigued and fuck things up yourself, but troubles seem to plague you on these days too. (like how i was being made a last-minute cos even though i was theoretically only on half day which i totally wasted because i brought the cos key home by mistake.) it’s almost like a conspiracy. like upstairs’ way of punishing us for not sleeping enough.

the good thing, though, is that the next day always gets better.

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112739505600852126 Thursday, Sep 22 2005

can’t seem find another recent show that is as plotless as Advent Children, but the awesome graphics make up for everything. i was just wishing that there could have been more development in scenes involving the other characters, like yuffie (dunno leh, i kinda like her more than tifa LOL) but then again, for a one and a half hour show, we can’t get to see much, as compared to the original hundred-hour gameplay rpg.

man, makes me want to go reinstall ff7 once again, if not for that faulty disc 3. rearing chocobos, completing optional quests, trying to kill the various weapons, performing limit breaks, leveling up for that final showdown, awesome fmvs (for its time).. all the makings of a classic rpg heh. and it being the first ever rpg i’ve played, the memories are undoubtedly the best.

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112713858532933069 Monday, Sep 19 2005

finally i’ve changed my blog template, after using it for, like, three years! but i’ve kept that cheesy ‘choose life’ tagline.. cuz i really like it so much, heh. initially i’ve wanted to select those cool-looking blog templates from blogskins, but my limited scripting knowledge forced me to abandon those and resort to, sigh, choosing one of those defaults that blogger offers. but this one ain’t too bad right, just a bit on the feminine side that’s all. and it comes with a number of features, like the redundant comments option, and all my past posting archives surfacing on the sidebar. i manually added the friends section, though.

the happenings over the past week… mainly tuition, and more tuition. ever since i’ve gotten myself a second student and the first requesting to extend my sessions to two hours each, my days can’t seem to be more busy and tiring. and guess what, just two months ago i would have never imagined myself doing this, but now i’m spending a significant portion of my free time sourcing for questions and generating notes for my students. i got myself a few tutees for a number of reasons actually. to make myself appreciate the value of cash, to see how far i can stretch myself to, to prevent my brain from rusting etc. but maybe i’ve gone a bit too fast this time. although, in a way, it is good. being ill-disciplined by nature, i will never get up and actually do something, unless there is an element of enforcement in it.

things are not much better in camp, now that we’re being punished (so-called) for slacking too much in the previous months. i’ll just wait for the day when i burn out, and clear all my off days. i feel it is coming soon actually. maybe due to the rather heavy workload i’ve been experiencing, or the fact that i’ve gotten access to friendly-priced goods, i feel myself lighting up more frequent now as long as there is a pack in my pocket. ironic huh, how i am disciplined enough to make myself amply prepared for the tuition sessions, but i just don’t have the strength to fight those sporadic moments of temptation. and slap myself awake out of this mangled mess.

i’m also getting a bit irritated at how easily i become tired these days. take today. slept 7 hours yesterday, but still felt that intense bout of drowsiness during the afternoon period when i was attending that audit course. and on the bus during my trip home, i remembered sitting up listening to my player, but i found myself waking up with my head pressed against the back of the seat in front of me. argh, it could be the course. i can never find interest in auditing stuff, especially since the lecturer is going at a dying slug’s pace. (but still way better than the other one in smm)

the course ends tomorrow, but come to think of it, there isn’t much to look forward to after that still. just plenty of liaising with external camp personnel and taking cab to various camps for equipment deployment due to my boss’ absence. and much to our inconvenience.

hopefully the incoming weekend will rock this time.

i died in my dreams. what’s that supposed to mean?

got lost in the fire. i died in my dreams reaching out for your hand.
my fatal desire.

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112645474411887249 Monday, Sep 12 2005

“be with me”
my friends hated this show. i wouldn’t say i absolutely love it either, but i can identify with the characters. three lonely souls seeking solace and love but not getting it. so close.. yet so far. to me, it’s so damn familiar.

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112640851998841378 Sunday, Sep 11 2005

ok, now that i’m in a clearer state of mind, i’ve given this matter some thought. maybe they didn’t tell him explicitly that they were by his side, that they would vote for this person. however, the art of lying manifests in several forms. by telling someone directly you’ll do this but in the end, you don’t, is the most direct form of lying, and probably the most sinful, as in this case. what i believe, however, is that they didn’t say it, although their actions may have strongly implied it. for one particular person, the way he behaved made it really apparent that he was on the side of my friend. if he was acting, it was so real that it fooled the outsiders around him as well.

but i believe that he didn’t lie directly. i can imagine how the situation goes..
friend: “hey, i think a lot of us are voting for this guy.”
him: “really ah?”
friend:”yea, im’ afraid he’ll vote me to go instead leh.”
him: “yea i think he may.. he can’t go anyway because of xxxxxx”
friend:”help me ah brother, vote for him also?”
him: (probably feeling extremely uncomfortable, gave an awkward nod or something which gave friend a clue that maybe he is supporting him.)

also, maybe, my friend is being presumptuous and assumes everyone is on his side.

or, maybe, my friend is so persistent in approaching them, that they find it extremely difficult to walk away or even say no. (probably they just maintained their silence or gave awkward nods or something… i can’t say cuz i wasn’t there first hand.)

maybe, just maybe, this is how it went.

but that is not to say that i’m condoning it. my attempts to understand the situation better is only to let me identify with the situation better. ultimately this still constitutes as backstabbing.
why would my friend, for no reason, think that everyone is on his side? because through their subtle actions, the rest of them led him to believe so! and that is wrong.

however…

to err is human. everyone has weaknesses. maybe, just maybe, they are too embarrassed and even guilty to admit to my friend that they are voting against him. they can’t bring themselves to do it.

for my case, as of now, i can strongly say “i will never ever ever do such a thing! it’s a heinous crime to lie, especially to a good friend!” i can imagine myself in this situation and even if i want to vote against my friend, i will apologise to him and tell him that i’m voting against him, or, at the very least avoid him at all costs due to my guilt. i will not silently stand beside him and give him false hopes.

but that is the case for this situation. how about other situations?

to be honest, we will not know how we will behave until we are actually part of the drama one day, and not merely onlookers.

outsiders see it as a black and white case. backstabbing is wrong, period. but only until you experience it yourself, you will not know that sometimes, things are not just so simple. no, i didn’t watch too much infernal affairs, i speak from what i’ve seen from people around me so far.

i suspect that maybe one of the seniors strongly hinted to them that the one who contributes the least will have to go. it’s hard to tell who contributes the least; all of us have our slacking periods and working periods. but for someone who does not go out of camp, it is easy to pinpoint him as the slackest guy. i really, really hope this is not the reason why they choose him.

ultimately, they have done my friend a huge injustice, no matter how much justification is given.

fuck!!

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112636963619680873 Sunday, Sep 11 2005

backstabbing is just so wrong. even in situations where you are going against your friend, for a good reason of course, you should never ever ever lie to him. if you’re noble, go up to him and say you’re going against him. if not, the least you can do is stay away, and keep quiet.

i don’t know the whole picture, but it appears that a whole bunch of us lied. all these talk about trust, friendship, does not hold anymore. even if he’s in the wrong, backstabbing is still so wrong. i dunno, just my opinion. maybe i’m the only one who thinks this way?

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112626935589718198 Friday, Sep 9 2005

having mixed feelings. a colleague of mine is being selected to go to crescendo (thailand) for 6 months for attachment work. i would really hate to see him go, as he is one of the better guys in the new batch whom we could get along with. a fellow confidant, drinking / clubbing buddy-to-be, and talk-cock-kaki. i could help him think of ways (or at least try to) to make the branch reverse the verdict, but that would mean sabotaging another person. everyone has their own reasons of not going, and frankly speaking, they are equally, if not more credible.

the only thing i can do now is to offer a helping hand and listening ear to help him become mentally prepared. but i dont know how to, and it makes me feel bad. nor do i have the right to do so. i was almost having the same mindset as him last year; strongly condemning against going to thailand. and it took me several months and thought processes before i changed my attitude from “die die also will not go” to “slightly reluctant, but if no choice then i will just go lor.” in fact, i will volunteer to do for three months (if the six month thing is split into two) next year, after i take care of my students o levels, if no one is willing to perform the six-month quota.

the thing is, how long will it take for him to be prepared for what’s to come? the sad truth is, the majority of his batch mates voted against him, and despite having the best intentions at heart, which i can understand, the fact that all of them did it without his knowledge means there is a certain level of betrayal behind these actions. how then, to break the news to him? i feel it is necessary that they let him know what they had done, to show that they still regard him as a good friend (if they do), as they are being honest with him. but then again, i’m worried that he may not be able to take it. i will be utterly devastated if i were him.

granted, this decision may actually prove beneficial for him in the long run, having had new experiences and all that. but it’s just sad and to a certain extent, disturbing, that things have to end this way, even though no one is to blame.

who says there is no “survivor” drama in real life?

i’m neither for nor against what they have done, although i’d admit i’d want him to stay here. still, i sincerely hope that all his batch mates will help to resolve the consequences of their actions. hopefully, and i really really pray for that, he will understand. and forgive.

but i doubt that will happen anytime in the near future.

i can just hope… that eventually things will turn out fine for this good friend of mine.

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112610602992584010 Wednesday, Sep 7 2005

it’s during these troubled times when i really wish i could go back to the past, to my school days. life was tedious and tiring, what with the 2 hours of sleep the night before followed by the chionging of lectures the next day before rushing to stadium for trainings etc.

but there was no one playing punk, stuffing last minute poison arrows down my throat, like now. so much that i am virtually suffocated. what? is working life going to be even worse?

looking back, life was pretty much stress free then.

(and then, there’s so many things i would have done if i can go back. that would have made me a very different person from what i am now. a much better one… why wasn’t i able to think straight back then?)

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