since last sunday i have been heavily involved in my church camp for “youths” – without a doubt i’m one of the oldest guys there and at the same time, one of the “newest” guys there. i learned a lot from the camp about seeking the kingdom of God, and the pastor of my church just earned my greatest respect – he is just so wise and knowledgeable and at the same time caring for his church members. though his messages do appear hard-hitting and i must say for some periods of time i really tried to make myself disagree with him – i know ultimately he meant well.
something happened today. since today is the last full day of the church camp, we had a consecration ceremony and our pastor introduced the history of our church, that it is currently teaching a third generation , or “wave” as he calls it, or leaders who will run the church in the future. he calls for a fourth generation amongst us campers and asks that any of us who would like to give our life to God to step up onto the stage. out of 200 camp personnel, around 190 stepped up. i was one of the 10 who didn’t. i just didn’t feel the “peter’s experience” – it was still unbelief. and the thought of having to drastically change my lifestyle made me not wanting to commit myself – yes i’m still so BLOODY foolish. so while everyone was on stage singing happily and triumphantly, i remain seated and my face felt really hot with shame.
utterly embarrassed and defeated i couldn’t pay attention throughout the rest of the ceremony. i couldn’t wait to get out of the christmas celebration we had subsequently and my back hurt from all the fidgeting in the pew.
the only good thing that happened to me was that i learnt a new song – ‘o come o come emannuel’ – a really really beautiful christmas piece.
it was then i decided not to go for camp tomorrow – hence i can blog at 1.00 a.m. (if not i’ll have to wake up at 0530 again). fortunately ping khuan called me and revealed to me something which i previously did not realise – the pastor had refrained from emotional talk to prevent people from making such a rash decision due to stirring of emotions or just because they see other people commit their lives to God. in fact, ping khuan said, i have actually made the right decision not to join them because if i do, unlike the rest who have been in church for years, it isn’t true faith for my case and hence my “pledge to commitment” would be totally pointless. he encouraged me to keep seeking, and to call him and ask him questions to clarify my doubts.
i felt much better after that, although there is a part of me that is getting a little worried. there is an important point which he conveniently missed out, probably not wanting to upset me further. if i’m not the “emotional” kind it would mean it’s extremely difficult for me to have true faith in God. what if… this emptiness / void remains after years.. and decades.. and centuries? it’s likely you know!
it’s weird huh, i actually cried twice in cinemas this year (“Sophie Scholl” and “Click”) but i didn’t feel any heart-stirring emotions throughout the whole consecration event. this really calls for worry.
and then there’s the issue of worshipping idols. no i do not engage in other religion but i worship several idols – and i can think of at least two of them: Studies and “Freedom of Exposure” (to put it nicely.) and obviously we can’t serve more than one god. and this is the scary thing: I am not even prepared or willing to give these up. as much as i try to want to give up, i just can’t. i’m too weak.
but one thing’s for sure, i will keep seeking for the rest of this year (and hopefully next year, and hopefully next next year etc.) and see how long it goes before i win (or lose) this battle with the legion of demons called Unbelief, Distraction, Worldly-wise and Lukewarm. and in the meantime i will pray.
Medley of Only the Beginning of An Adventure (followed by Evacuating LondoN) – Chronicles of Narnia (Harry Gregson Williams)
