Times of Distress Tuesday, Aug 28 2007

Alright. So I rushed home from church thinking I have this *big* biochem lab report, my biggest nightmare since I first stepped into NUS, to complete and compile, when my lab mates offered to do the job. It was a big relief, considering I’m really kind of tired, and compiling takes a lots of time. If I start now, I can probably finish only at 3 am.

Sigh.. I’ve not been myself these few days. This semester is pretty tough. Check out this timetable. I’ll be following it for at least the first half of the semester (second half should be more slack, thankfully.)

Monday ; 0900 – 2000 Tuesday; 1200 – 1900 Wednesday; 1000 – 1800 Thursday : 1400 – 2000 Friday : 1200 – 1600

It’s really tiring. Esp on Monday when I have only 2 one-hour intervals, and wednesday when I have NO BREAKS at all. Maybe can rush down during toilet break to sneak in a sandwich or something.

All these, because I am taking some life science program. On top of my chem eng course, the modules I study are equivalent to taking a 2nd life science major. I’ve checked with the requirements, it’s almost all the same, but doesn’t qualify because 5 of the modules I’m taking that are required in the life science major are replaced with Chemistry modules. Hence, at the end of 4 years, I am only getting a Life Science minor. And nothing else. I’m seriously considering quitting the program at the end of this year.

My fellow course mates have been talking about this issue for the past few days. It is demoralising and defeating. When I met my Sunday School teacher today, who happens to be the dean of NUS EE, and told him I am taking lsm modules, he immediately replied “you know that the prospects of life science isn’t very good right?” -_- I know interest is the most important, but when you have so many not-so-nice-sounding facts thrown in your face, you just can’t help but wonder why are you wasting your time studying something that is so irrelevant to chemical engineering?!

While I have my “off days” now and then from secondary school onwards, there hasn’t been a time where I am so totally engulfed with such negative feelings (ok apart from that brief 2003 period). It is scary, it is real, it really prevents you from doing *anything* efficiently. You are just… so defeated. And in distress.

On a more sombre note..

My fellow Sunday School friend passed away last Sunday. He collapsed after completing his Army Half Marathon, despite being a good runner all these while. It took us all by shock.

I regret not having the opportunity to know him well. I’m not saying the other people in my church are not friendly or what, but he is indeed one of the few people in church that I should have no qualms trusting, and confiding, and be good friends with easily. The few times we’ve conversed, we talked about my driving, our studies, army life, and God. He has this really unique air of sincerity and warmth that anyone will feel comfortable when he’s with him. I have always seen him with a smile on his face, everywhere he goes. It’s hard to believe he is a CAPTAIN, because a person with high rank is usually thought of as a strict-looking guy, but he is smiling all the time! But really, and regrettably, we are not very close. Because of his busy army schedule, I haven’t seen him that often these months. Too late now…

It is amazing how God has transformed him into such a great guy. It seems there is so much good things to say about him it will take hours or days to speak finish. From how he tirelessly shown care for his fellow soldiers and university friends, to how he displayed unwavering faith for God, and how he adopted a servant’s heart, while serving the Lord, and even while assuming a heavy leadership responsibility, it’s unquestionable – he lived a righteous life. When his friend spoke of how he used Joshua 1:9 to encourage him in times of trouble, we all cried. He really has all it takes to be a wonderful soldier of God.

It is sad that such a good person leave us at such a young age; at the same time i’m sure his life story will touch and inspire many. While he is taking time off the army to serve the Lord, I am having trouble reading my Bible properly everyday. But, I guess it’s time for me to know, that life is short. I have to make full use of the time I have. Not just for studies, but also to seek God. Because I will never know when I die. There are loads of obstacles I have to overcome. I have to get out of my sinful habits. Just yesterday I think I released a slew of over a dozen vulgarities, and their past participles, present perfect, and other colorful combos. I have to try to get out of my idolatry as well. Studies isn’t everything! (oh , who am I kidding, I still do not think like that, even now!) I have to learn to trust God. Joshua 1:9 speaks for us to “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” I should not worry too much about my biochemistry. Whenever I do, I will try and recall Matthew 6:26-34. But I guess in all I should make it a point to pray to God to help me. Most importantly, help me with my unbelief. So hopefully, there will come a day (I really hope) where I can confidently, without doubts, without restrain, declare that I believe. And live a fruitful life for once. Hopefully, this is not just some temporary conviction which impact will decrease with time. To start off, I should get a grip on myself. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, even in times of distress.

I know I’m only saying all these because I’m kinda overly emotional, but I’m just writing this down so I won’t forget.

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Good Friends are Hard to Find Monday, Aug 27 2007

I don’t have many friends, but thankfully the friends I have are good friends. I am  going through a rather rough period right now, no thanks to the hectic timetable i’m having now. I have a lab report due in 1 days time, which is far from completed; I have 3 CA next week, I have lots of lecture which I don’t understand, today is the last straw. I feel like the time bomb in me has finally set off. I just want to quit school and… you know, play Oblivion all my life.

If not for the help I get from friends, I don’t know where I will be now. When I told Xinli my experiment report is in shambles because I foolishly chose not to read the instructions beforehand, and could not pay attention to the debrief, he offered help in many ways, by explaining *really patiently*, and providing reference. Joshua has offered much invaluable guidance as well, and even sent me his draft so I can refer to it. This morning, I was late for school because I was settling something on my computer, and to make things worse there was a huge traffic jam due to a broken down vehicle. Upon reaching school 30 minutes late, it was then I realised that I have forgotten to bring my lab coat for my genetics lab!!!! I felt so defeated… Until Cheng Hwa offered to lend me his coat; as a result, I need not buy a new one. When I whined to Guojie about the stress I am experiencing, well, he offered to study with me in the library. Of course they are not all. But they are the ones who made my day today.

Although I have thanked them many times, I don’t think they know how grateful I am to them at this point of time, and luckily none of them reads my blog (if not they’ll think I’m some crazy fool). I don’t know why I am so emotional now.. lol. Alright, I shouldn’t waste too much time writing all these. Gotta study.

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In Memory. Sunday, Aug 26 2007

        “I have only joined Sunday School at the start of this year, and you have been busy with your training in recent months. Regrettably, there weren’t enough opportunities for us to know each other better. One thing I remember clearly, though, was a few months back when you asked me how I was doing, being a newcomer to church and all, and I briefly recounted my personal struggles. I remembered you telling me that change does not take place overnight, and that if I continue seeking, I will find it, hence I should not give up. Then you spoke to me about yourself; to quote your words, you were “quite havoc” when you first came to church and that you were still changing and growing in faith. It was a short but sweet piece of advice and your sincerity genuinely touched me. Your unexpected departure from us is shocking and greatly saddening, but in a way I am relieved that you have known the Lord in the past years, because I know for sure you are now in a better place. You will be missed greatly. “

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ADD Sunday, Aug 26 2007

I suspect I have mild ADD. I took an online test and I am diagnosed with mild ADD. Though that wasn’t a very scientific and accurate test, I just read a column by a fellow ADD college student on this site

And I can sooo identify with this paragraph:

Let’s face it, listening to a lecture is more or less impossible for me. I can try really hard to listen, and before I know it I’m thinking about how hard I am trying to listen, and realise that I haven’t heard anything in the last five minutes. Or I can concentrate really, really hard on the lecturer, and before I know it I’m thinking about what an odd looking nose he has, and look at that awfully long hair coming out of that mole, and once again realise I’ve not taken in anything he has been saying.

And I have many, though not all, of the following symptoms:

Common symptoms of ADD:

• Short Attention Span
• Easily Distracted
• Restless
• Impulsive (May be prone to substance abuse in an attempt to self-medicate)
• Poor Organization
• Trouble Getting Started and Following Through
• Mood Swings (This may be initiated by chemical imbalances within the body)
• Low Self Esteem (This may be reaction to not being accepted as “normal”)
• Trouble With Intimacy & communication
• Quick to Anger – Easily Frustrated
• Tendancy to Transpose Words, Letters or Numbers
• Sleep Problems (May be lying awake thinking too much)
• High Sensitivity to Noise and Touch

Esp. the top few, and the bottom few.

Ok, so now I’m kinda worried. I haven’t been listening properly to lectures since last semester and it has gotten worse this semester, especially on those uninteresting topics. And now I have no freaking clue what I have to write on my biochem lab report because I could not pay attention to the 15 minute debrief.

Watching online webcasts is a torture for me too. I have to pause every 10/15 minutse or so, when I’m right in front of the comp, sometimes because someone msg me, other times because I’m simply bored and want to surf the net.

When people are talking to me face to face, I find that I tend to drift even. Especially when they’re giving me instructions (because, more often than not, instructions are boring.)

I need to get this dealt with before I start failing my exams. This is very frustrating because everytime after a lecturer says something important, all my friends start discussing about the things he just said, while I am totally lost becuase I wasn’t listening.

Oh, and by the bye I suspect that is the reason why I still cannot drive – apart from positioning problems (which is probably due to lack of practice), I cannot quite make out every detail on a busy road due to the ever-changing conditions.

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Activities for the Bored Friday, Aug 24 2007

61.8/100Rate My LifeRateMyLife.net – Find out if you suck at life

Bahh… I scored great for everything except my Accomplishments. Apparently I’m supposed to be earning *some* money at my age. It’s not my fault I have to protect the country help keep the environment noise and dust free play puzzle fighter for 2.5 years what!!

HumanForSale.com – I am for sale!

That’s not exactly true too. All of us are priceless. Hahaha..

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I'm For You Monday, Aug 20 2007

Tell me where it’s hurting
Are you burning?
Running just to catch your breath
And going nowhere
It’s getting old when you feel like you got nothing left
Well it ain’t over ’til it’s over
I told you since the day we met
So let me be the voice through all the noise

Whatever I gotta be
I’ll be for you
Whatever you need from me
To see you through
Everyone of us has stumbled
Everybody’s humbled
We hit the ground and our lives crumble
Whatever I gotta be
I’ll be for you
I’m for you
If you never knew

I’m for you
You know it’s true

I know the feeling
I know it’s real when the drama’s all in your face
You see a mountain
I hear a promise – it’s never more than we can take
Well it ain’t over ’til it’s over
We can learn from our mistakes
So let me be the voice through all the noise

Everyone of us will fall
Have our backs against the wall
And everyone shares a need to be loved
You’ve always been for me
So I will be for you
That’s just what it means to love
Whatever I gotta be
I’ll be for you
Whatever you need from me
To see you through
Whatever I gotta be
I’ll be for you
I’m for you

-TobyMac 

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The Latest Villain Everyone Loves to Hate Thursday, Aug 16 2007

The director of ODEX, anime distributor, a.k.a. money-suckers. Citing the reason that sales of anime have plummeted drastically (which is actually a global trend), odex has started sending letters to *numerous* homes, demanding a payment of up to $5000 or face legal action.

Self-righteous folks who shout for joy must think again. Odex has really crossed the line.  From shady downloader-tracking techniques to lack of warning letters, there is every reason to hate them to begin with.

And now.. Recent CSI-style detective work by some members of the online community have uncovered that a certain member of odex has been submitting posts gloating over the victims’ plight. Initially I was still giving them the benefit of the doubt… Like, maybe Tokyo TV has been pressuring them to take some action or something. After this incident, I can not be more convinced that they are just out to exploit this situation and make a fast buck while possible, at the expense of the citizens.

Oh yes, instead of putting in effort to improve the quality of the subtitles in the anime, and speeding up the release of the latest titles, they decide to do the easy way out. Milk as much money from the downloaders as possible, to help pay for their second homes.

While copyright infringement is never correct, morally questionable actions such as these make it hard to empathize with the distributor. Odex truly makes RIAS look like a saint – at the very least, they sent warning letters initially. I can’t say I am not happy when I hear that the director received death threats and all from fans who discovered where he stays. And I won’t be surprised that this fiasco may completely eliminate all anime sales in singapore altogether. One can always opt for parallel imports, at the very last resort.

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Fruit Mechanics Tuesday, Aug 14 2007

Sigh, school has finally begun. I have exited Cyrodiil and will probably not visit it for some time.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to like the timetable for this sem or hate it. Basically I have two days ending at 8 p.m., one ending at 7, one ending at 6. The tutorials and labs are not out but I doubt it will end later than that. So it’s pretty long days. Yesterday I finished class (at LT32) at 8 pm, and reached home at 9:30 because I took 4 buses in all to reach my house.

But, at least, the days start late. With the exception of Monday (so far), some begin at 10, some even begin at 12 noon. So I can sleep-in. I did not remember having this luxury back in Year 1, and even on Saturdays and Sundays I had to wake up at 6:30 and 7:30 respectively due to other commitments.

Lectures are ok, so far. The Thermodynamics lecturer… is a GG lecturer. I can’t understand a word he speaks, and he can’t grab the attention of the students, so everyone is making noise. GG.

The Fruit Mechanics (a Fruit is a matter that flows) lecturer is much better, but his pronunciation on certain words (if you haven’t already realised) make him the butt of many private jokes which sprung up within the first hour.

The Experimental Biochem lecturer is good, but kinda strict. But I’m more worried about the module itself actually. It’s 6 MCs, and it’s 100% lab + project. And my lab skills are never that good. This time we get to isolate and study proteins, from various animals (even vertebrates) and plants, for the first time! It sounds so exciting and worrying at the same time because it’s all graded.

Anyway, so far I actually have been reading up on my subjects! Yesterday I reached the Science library at 3, and managed to study Thermo until 4:15. It’s only when I overhear people talking about Mambo on wednesday I felt the strong urge rising, and I spent the next 45 minutes texting a few people on Mambo. So I may be going to Zouk this wednesday – if all goes well. Ah it’s the only week without tutorials and labs, so I can’t go from next week onwards, so it’s justified!!!!!!

Finally, I’m glad that most of us did not get kicked out (or quit) of our program after Year 1. There are 8 of us at least who are still in this crazy and rather pointless life science thingy. Well, without them I’m not sure where I will be. Hopefully we will all stay on until year 4.

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I'm Embarrassed to Say This, But… Tuesday, Aug 14 2007

I enjoyed this show!!!!! I know everyone says it sucks and all.. In fact I went in thinking it would really suck. Actually when zhongyang first asked me to go watch, i was saying.. Uh, no, not this show. Please.. When inside the cinema and looking at the rather huge number of people inside, I told qingxiang. ‘Wow so many of us kena cheated!!!’ The fact that it was directed by Royston Tan did not sink in me. Don’t know why. Maybe cuz liwei esp. kept condemning the show, saying how it sucks and .. DONT WATCH IT NO MATTER WHAT.

Yea. The style is distinctly Royston. If you have watched ‘15′, you would not be surprised by the surreal “autocad-like” special effects peppered in various parts of the show, much like the “street fighter” style gang fights in ‘15′. I can easily find similarities in the dialogue style between these 2 shows also.

I know qingxiang hates it. 10 minutes into the show he lamented that he already got a bad impression of it. 10 minutes before the show end he furthered asked WHY WONT IT END?!

I guess differnt tastes ba. Now I have a new liking for 80s / 90s hokkien songs, or rather those sung in getai. They’re really not bad.

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An Exciting(?) Term Lies Ahead Wednesday, Aug 1 2007

Zzz. This morning while checking my mail I received a message from NUS, saying I’ve been allocated all my modules. School starts next week (one week earlier than the rest) because I have Matlab supplementary classes.

O…k, I guess it’s time to exit my world trip around Cyrodiil, Liberty City, Neverwinter, Wonderland and the Battle of Normandy and return to Singapore. Thanks to my coursemates, I’ve gotten my foundational notes ready and *hopefully* will start reading bit by bit.

The starting of school is always exciting for the wrong reasons. It gives me reasons to do some makeover, such as buying new attire. I bought shoes, pants, shirts a couple of months ago. Unfortunately the Springfield canvas shoes I only recently bought have cracked on the sides. Bleah… I’d still wear that instead of the Brooks one, though. I also trimmed my hair, and dyed it brown. I had been wanting to work out during the 3 month break, but the arrival of my new computer spoilt my plans. I decided to work out in the San Andreas gymnasiums instead. But nvm… I will start this week… no, next week. This week I need to play.

The starting of school is always exciting for the wrong reasons. It gives me reasons to play a lot just before school starts, because I will not get such a good chance to slack for a long time!

To make things better, my driving test has ended!! Not that I passed, though, in fact I failed terribly – let’s just stop at me chalking up 46 points + 1 immediate failure in the circuit alone – but with driving out of my schedule, I have become much more free and less stressed. I now wake up at 9 / 10 a.m., instead of 7 in the past.

Oh yea, so I watched a couple of “latest blockbusters” the past few days, like Knocked Up, the Simpsons and Wet Hot Sake. All 3 are great. I didn’t know that the Simpsons is so Family Guy-ish.. if I had known I would have watched it long ago! I went LANNING, and played DOTA for the first time since…. 23532789406 years ago? Even the loading screen has changed. And the creeps now include a really huge catapult looking thing. And I’m still as frustratingly lousy as usual. We also played Jedi Academy, which is still as fun as always… brings back memories of 2002 haha. I went ktv as well, with a couple of friends. Ever since I started playing computer games, I stopped listening to music and hence could not recognise all the new songs they sang. But never mind, there’s still good ol’ Dao Lang to make the others regret they never bring ear muffs.

Ok, now back to reality. Next sem I will be taking…

Molecular Genetics. Chemical Engineering Thermodynamics. Fluid Mechanics. Metabolism and Regulation. Experimental Biochemistry (the annoying 6 MC module which has three 2-hr lectures a week, two of which starts in the evening and ends at 8 pm. this is not including lab sessions.)

So far I’ve studied quite a bit. I’ve learnt that… Fluid mechanics, the hardest of all the 5, is a module which no one can understand up till the point of final examination, Molecular Genetics is fun but has a tedious memorising segment at the end, and is led by a merciless lecturer who likes to award zero marks. Experimental Biochemistry does not have exams, but all the laboratory sessions will be graded, and knowing our (my friends and i) practical skills, we are all screwed.

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